murder on the seven seas splendor, a blog noir review

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murder on the seven seas splendor, a blog noir review

Post: # 2769Post drib »

It was March 13 - a Friday, of course - and I was awakened from fitful sleep by thunderous blasts, like red-hot pokers to my ears, again and again and again.

It sounded bad, like the noise a Shylock makes when you ask if a check is okay. And it felt bad, like falling out the rear window of a creep joint wearing somebody else's pants. Still, somehow I managed to quash all that jingle jangle jingle, as if I had stuck something long and hard down the shaft of a snub-nose 45.

I answered the phone.

"Who's there?" I says.

"It's Claire," she says.

Message translated: It was Claire, the comely Miss Voyant. It was Claire, built the right way, and in all the right places. It was Claire, my personal trip adviser, and spelled the right way, not like that cesspool of online drivel and all its phony reviews! Claire.

"Hello, Doll, " I says, "What are you wearing?"

I knew well that, as a rule, Claire's rule, her weekend come-hither ensembles had as much material in them as any regulation basketball net, or less ... and that they smelled like sex, and jasmine ... and sex. And they tasted like chicken. My mind wandered.

"Listen to me, drib," she says, "Don't board that ship tomorrow!"

"You mean Seven Seas, Splendor?" I says. "Why, because of the virus?"

"No," she says, "because there's going to be a ... a ... a murder!"

"Who," I says. "Who is going to be murdered?"

"You are!" she says.

And then the line went dead, along with all my hopes and dreams.

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saturday, march 14, embarkation day

Post: # 2771Post drib »

I should have bailed, right then, but I couldn't. You see, my Regent Reassurance™ option expired four bourbons ago. So, today, I boarded Seven Seas Splendor, and instead of luggage, I carried a shipload of questions.

Question number one - who. Who wanted me dead? Claire didn't say she knew, and she didn't say she didn't know, but I knew she was lying. I could see it through her teeth!

Question number two - why. Why is this cruise different from any other cruise? {Too Jewish? -ed} Why did someone want me dead? Why do I use ellipses sometimes and dashes other times - and why is "sometimes" one word, but "other times" is two? I've got to know!

If you're keeping score, that's one "who," and four "whys." "Where?" "How?" Yeah, those too - and not in the parlor with the candlestick ... that would be too easy. What's on second, and I don't give a damn, you filthy animals.

"What about 'when?'" you says.

"Shut up!" I says. "Keep your big yaps closed, you stooges, you boozehounds! 'When' is one of those Regent Choice™ questions that you have to pay extra for, and you skinflints have been getting nothing but free ones ... so far, anyways."

Besides, you'll know it's "when" when you read about the Fat Man. Not now, later! You'll know it's him because he'll walk into the thread like a walrus in a cheap suit, and he'll squawk nonsense like a misshapen pocket lawyer. And he'll have a doohickey where his heart ought to be. And he'll be fat.

Hey! All I know is that when a guy's partner is going to be murdered, he's supposed to do something about it. I'm that guy, and I'm also that partner. Life is weird like that, sometimes.

======

Embarkation at the port of San Diego was smooth, as smooth as the curve starting at the base of Claire's thigh and going up to ... well, I never really did find out where it ends.

bogart
Embarkation: A

Like ferrets on prom night.


I arrived at noon, had a light lunch in La Veranda, and was Splendoring™ in my crib by two o'clock.

{insert cabin photo here}

bogart
Cabin: A+

Nice digs. I could do a three-spot here ... easy.


Dinner tonight was in the main dining room, Compass Rose, they calls it.

I knew a girl named Rose once. She had a kisser made to be kissed, and a back door made to be slammed. "Me too," I thought, without any sense of irony nor feelings of remorse.

Anyways, I didn't take any photos on account of the cruise being cancelled and all, but I ordered some crazy grub - "S" cargo, and filet magnum, which was lousy with what the chef called Bernie sauce, and for dessert, a tart. You get the picture. "This was some fancy hash house," I says.

bogart
Compass Rose: B-

Swank under glass. Lose the Bernie sauce.

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sunday, march 15, catalina island

Post: # 2773Post drib »

I started the day with a few extra doses of precaution, neat, and in a dirty glass.

The cabin stew knocked on the door. I let her in, but first, I patted her down to make sure she had left her roscoe on I-95. She wasn't carrying, though - just a cleaning dingus or two. And when I was done, she slapped my face, good and hard, the way I like it.

"Thanks," I says, and then I just stood there with a comical look on my face, like a grade school student telling his substitute teacher that He was Richard Hertz.

Her name was Toots LaRue from Parts Unknown. She reminded me of a sleepy-time girl I once knew ... but I didn't have time for that now. So I tossed her some lettuce, which she deflected, and then she slapped me hard again, and again and again.

"Tipping is neither required, nor expected," she says.

bogart
Cabin Steward: A+

She kept the room clean, the bottles full, and her lips tight.


I decided to take a powder to Catalina Island.

I've been here once before, in 1985, I think. The old ball-and-chain and I took a ferry, from Long Beach, along with our two sons, three plus years old and one plus years old, and they both blew chunks on the ferry, in both directions. This is jrib, our oldest, cruising for dames and grunion, on the beach, in Avalon. He's unarmed, I think.

imgx


{insert excursion photo here}

bogart
Catalina: B

Swell. Party City.


I never have any problems with the Internet because I don't even know what that is. But I overheard some hard guy say that it was lame. Another mug said that it was intermittent. "Someone should go to the hoosegow for this," he says.

bogart
Internet: C, 32 mbps download, 1.87 mbps upload.

Like a slow roll in the hay and then a fast exit out the windows, they says.

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Re: saturday, march 14, embarkation day

Post: # 2775Post Ponzi »

drib wrote:
Sat Mar 14, 2020 7:21 am

Besides, you'll know it's "when" when you read about the Fat Man. Not now, later! You'll know it's him because he'll walk into the thread like a walrus in a cheap suit, and he'll squawk nonsense like a misshapen pocket lawyer. And he'll have a doohickey where his heart ought to be. And he'll be fat.
Are you referring to...-me. sir?
as you know, sir, in the heat of action men are likely to forget where their best interests lie and let their emotions carry them away.

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Re: saturday, march 14, embarkation day

Post: # 2776Post drib »

Ponzi wrote:
Sun Mar 15, 2020 12:27 pm
Are you referring to...-me. sir?
I'm a cruise hound ... I know a lot of fat men.

And I'm not going to talk about the black bird, not now, not ever! That was some other mug I once knew ... I'm not like that anymore. But you ... you laughed at me and made jokes. But I proved beyond the shadow of a doubt, and with geometric logic, that a duplicate key to the wardroom icebox did exist!

No one's going to Bogart me on my own board! So, take your seat, mister. I'm the big dog here, and I've got a story to finish.

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monday, march 16, at sea

Post: # 2777Post drib »

Dinner tonight was in a specialty restaurant, Pacific Rim.

"I'll be your waiter tonight. My name is Simon," he says. "Try the duck."

In my gut, I knew that this was more than just a suggestion. I ordered the duck ... and it was just ducky. And so was the hooch, which flowed all-inclusively, before, during and after the meal. It was some kind of newfangled Far Eastern juice, flavorful and light, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

I left the joint plastered, pie-eyed and stinko. "Forget it, drib," I says to myself, "it's ..." No! I promised myself that I wouldn't go there ... no matter how tight I got ... but it rhymes with "Dinah Brown." She was a right broad, Miss Brown was.

bogart
Pacific Rim: A+

Ask for a Rim job. If you already know what that is, well, that's on you.


I left the joint after midnight, and headed back down to deck five. Just then, I caught a glimpse of some low life in my rear view mirror. "Not tonight, pally," I says to myself.

I took a hard right, followed by a hard left, and then another right, like I was fighting for the heavyweight crown. This fight wasn't for sport, though ... I was fighting for my life. The creep was still on my tail, and I was running out of gas. Another hard right ... I lost control, smashing into the guardrail at the top of the staircase. And then, finial-ly {Ugh! -ed}, I got a good look at the lug.

"You!" I says, and then it started raining bullets in the atrium on Seven Seas Splendor.



Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa ...



... Kelly Clarkson!


imgx


bogart
Death Scene: B-

It seems that destiny has taken a hand.

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murder on the seven seas splendor, a blog noir review

Post: # 2778Post alex - verified canadian »


Answer:
he killed drib

Was it the Cantankerous Chef?

He told me that my Béarnaise sauce was shit! He said it to my face! I wanted to break the plate on his pointy little head and then use a shard to cut his throat! But it was Versace, so I didn't. Don't look at me like that! I didn't kill drib. But I think the killer had a mustache!*

Was it the Lascivious Librarian?

Drib came on to me, but I'm not that kind of librarian; not today, anyway. His writing lacked subtlety, a clear sign of sexual inexperience, to say the least. "Tasted like chicken" - Ha! - and so many unnecessary commas. Am I sad that he's dead? No, but did I kill him? Also, no, period, exclamation point! I'm not the killer; I have thick, kissable lips, whereas the killer had thin lips!

Was it the Belligerent Captain?

Ya, I know that I'm not supposed to say this about my guests, but drib was ... how do you say this in English ... a whole ass! And now there's whole ass blood stains all over the most luxurious ship ever built - perfected!™ Death was too good for him, but I didn't kill him. The killer wore spectacles, you know, eyeglasses!

Was it the Connecticut Dentist?

Drib told me that he didn't like CwazeandCwaze's videos! He said they were like Keith1010's posts, too long and too repetitive. Isn't that reason enough to kill him? Oh no, I didn't mean that literally. I'm just venting because I love those Cwaze guys. I didn't kill drib, but I know that his killer was a flashy dresser.

Was it the Pocket Lawyer?

Image


I didn't kill the Deadbeat! I was too late - he was already dead when the ambulance got there. But I am sure of two things - one, this is an outrage!

Oh, and the second thing - the killer wore a hat!


Or was it someone else?**

======

*

** Police artist's sketch:

imgn

Television personality, game show host, actor
Unaccredited Canadian funnyman
(And it really is pronounced Don Jew-ahn)

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Re: murder on the seven seas splendor, a blog noir review

Post: # 2781Post Ponzi »

Alex, are we allowed to submit our answers? I mean, our question in response to your answer? Is there a prize for a correct response?

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Re: murder on the seven seas splendor, a blog noir review

Post: # 2786Post alex - verified canadian »

... and we're back.

Now, let's meet Ponzi! It says here that you still have all your baby teeth. Tell us about that.  






Image
Television personality, game show host, actor
Unaccredited Canadian funnyman
(And it really is pronounced Don Jew-ahn)

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Re: murder on the seven seas splendor, a blog noir review

Post: # 2787Post whoopi »

What?

No! I'm not going to do the pottery wheel scene with you. I ain't no Demi Moore, and you ain't no Patrick Swayze, although he be fine.

Thank you. They are pretty sweet, aren't they?

I can't say that!

You can't tell them that!

Okay, I'm going to repeat what you say, word for word, this time only, and then I'm going back to The View.

Drib says the duck was a little chewy.


======


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Re: murder on the seven seas splendor, a blog noir review

Post: # 2788Post Ponzi »

alex - verified canadian wrote:
Thu Mar 19, 2020 1:01 pm
... and we're back.

Now, let's meet Ponzi! It says here that you still have all your baby teeth. Tell us about that.  
Image
That's right Alex, I do have all of my baby teeth, and my grownup teeth as well. My jaws are big enough to hold all the teeth that God gave me, and then some. But being a member of the Brute Squad and stupid as fuck, I need all of the advantages that I can get.

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Re: murder on the seven seas splendor, a blog noir review

Post: # 2789Post alex - verified canadian »

Ponzi wrote:
Fri Mar 20, 2020 5:52 am
...But being a member of the Brute Squad ...
On behalf of everyone here on drib critic, let me just say thank you for your service!

Now, let's take a look at potent potables for 100.

Answer:

potent potables
100
it makes a dirty martini dirty
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Re: murder on the seven seas splendor, a blog noir review

Post: # 2790Post sean »

So we meet again, Trebek!
alex - verified canadian wrote:
Fri Mar 20, 2020 10:10 am
it makes a dirty martini dirty

What is your mother's laundry?

I'll take "whore ads" for 500.

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Re: murder on the seven seas splendor, a blog noir review

Post: # 2834Post whoopi »

sean wrote:
Fri Mar 20, 2020 10:14 am
... I'll take "whore ads" for 500.
Drib wants me to tell you the story behind the category "who reads," which sean mistakes as "whore ads."

Years ago, drib used to play games like Jeopardy!, and also write short stories, some of them interactive, on a PHPBB message board similar to this one. He posted often on this particular board - now defunct - between 2004 and 2014. And he noticed that he would write jokes there, and then find them repeated on the night-time talk shows, like "The Daily Show," "The Colbert Report," and "The Tonight Show." It might have been a coincidence once, but it happened several times ... and those are only the ones he knew about.

In Celebrity Jeopardy!, on Saturday Night Live, there is a running joke where Sean Connery, played by Darrell Hammond, misreads a category - for example he asks for "The Rapists" instead of "Therapists."

Drib mimicked this in one of his message board Jeopardy games! In one, the category was "Who Reads Books" and sean (our Sean) mistakes it as "Whore Ads Books." Several years later, on the SNL 50th anniversary show, drib thinks it was, they used a similar category "Who Reads," which Sean Connery mistakes as "Whore Ads." (Admittedly, drib says that the SNL category is a better edit, but the clues in drib's game were actually all about books.)

"Coincidence," drib says, "life is lousy with it."

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Re: murder on the seven seas splendor, a blog noir review

Post: # 2941Post scuba diver from cc »

Rule 39: There is no such thing as a coincidence.

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